Kemper
From GentlemanLoser.org
Contents |
[edit] we are the transmission ...
... and someone picked up on the signal. Tonight GLCD had practice, which was really more of a board meeting of the exective chairs of GLCD, Inc. with charts, lists, graphs, and projections (ok, maybe just a list of songs on chalkboard paint) by some roving strangers searching for the seminal and elusive band, Dudes Named Fred. At first the Gentlemen Losers didn't quite know what to make of the group, until the female member of the group (possibly autistic, based on the information gleaned from one of the males ... although he might have, and probably, said "artistic") produced a dog-eared copy of The Writings of Jonathan Swift(The hard-core Norton Critical Edition) which contained, in addition to scattered handwritten scraps of paper & a few dollar bills, many margin notes and highlighted passages. The one she pointed out read (if remembering correctly):
St. John himself will scarce forbear
To bite his pen, and drop a tear.
The rest will give a shrug, and cry,
"I'm sorry--but we all must die."
The two gentlemen (not Gentlemen) provided some Bud-In-A-Can, and were thus accepted by the cadre of chaosians known as GLCD, if for but one night. A quick decision was made to actually play some music, as though these visitors were unexpected, with the upcoming show (if GLCD were as on top of their game as I, their news page would have told you this already) they felt they should not deny themselves the opportunity to play for an audience.
An hour of frivolity ensued, and despite their best attempts, the gee'elseedeez simply could not alienate this audience. They applauded and praised, they tapped and hummed, they even got up and screamed into the microphone from time to time. It was, I'm told, a magic moment, unmarred by a single bat. The notes were in tune, the beats were on time, the beer was flowing. Only one complaint was voiced by one of these, which is that 'Ursatz' seems to actually be a song written 28 years ago by one of his friends. The Losers tried to explain to this soul that they were actually a future incarnation of this friend, sent to the past to heckle him with these two notes played repeatedly with abrupt rhythmic variations to torture him with unoriginality, but he was hearing none of it and assured the band that they needed a singer if they were to get anywhere.
[edit] How I came to hate Mogwai
Being A Fictional Account Planned By Kemp To Be His First Newsletter, As Told By Proxy To Luke
So about a year or so ago, I was a pretty big Mogwai fan. Well, maybe not "pretty big," but more like "moderately large" or perhaps "somewhat tiny" Mogwai fan. They make songs which are strictly instrumental and boring, which happens to be against my beliefs as a Mupslim (the sacred path of worshipping Muppets according to a strict set of ancient rules and customs). Sometimes, though, they do sing, so I was talked into going with my friends to see Mogwai play live.
We arrived right as the opening act was starting. They sucked. I don't remember their name, but they played complicated and abrasive songs and they all had beards. In fact, everyone at this show had beards. Even the girls. That's not true. But if they could have beards, they would. Instead, they all wore either army jackets or baby tees. I stayed away from the ones wearing baby tees because I was afraid of them, mostly because they were girls but partly because they were wearing baby tees and it was January.
"So, when does Mowgai start?" I asked my friend (who had a beard and a baby tee.)
"Mogwai."
"Your mother," I replied.
I noticed that there were some posters around but none of them seemed to be for Mogwai. This didn't surprise me as I happened to know that posters for Mogwai shows have incredible value on the ebay black market. So I waited.
After awhile Mogwai finally took the stage to play. I was very confused, because, as I understood it, this is what Mogwai looks like:
And this is what they looked like when they started to play:
So whatever, I just figured they kicked two people out of their band and got different haircuts. Maybe they were wearing makeup, I don't know.
They started to play. They played for like four hours. And by four hours I mean two. Two. Hours. Two hours. 120 minutes. I don't know, maybe they thought they were being clever. So two hours are finally up, and they start their second song.
"Ok, I'm really thirsty," said I.
"Your mother," my friend replied.
"Whatever," I said and went to get a drink.
When I got back, I was even more confused. Everyone in the audience had left besides my friend, a black guy with dreadlocks who was dancing, two girls in baby tees, and someone on the floor bleeding from their ears. On the stage, one guy had his shirt off and was beating on a drum while shouting passages from Finnegan's Wake into a microphone. Another one was playing a guitar with a screwdriver through eight delay pedals he had strapped to his back. The actual drummer was smoking a cigar, grilling hot dogs by placing them directly on the hot tubes in the bass amp, and talking jovially with a dwarf wearing armor who seemed to have emerged from some sort of vortex made from the juxtaposition of the strobe lights' frequencies and the LSD that had been placed into the smoke machine. I know there was LSD in the smoke machine because the guitarist was wearing a T-shirt that stated, "I put LSD in the smoke machine" and I saw no reason to doubt him.
"Mmm, no why slops everywhere," I said to my friend. Well, this is what he heard, which I didn't find out until later, while we were waiting in the emergency room. The sound, which I won't even bother to describe let alone attempt to compare to anything that could remotely be called 'music' was just too loud and overwhelming and shitty to have any normal conversation. I set him straight, though. What I actually said was:
"Man, Mogwai sucks anymore."
[edit] Facing the truth
Kemper is never going to contribute to this site. He's too busy with secret pants. So, with that being said, I'm going to use his name to write newsletters anyway. This is the first one. The second one will come before the end of the weekend.
[edit] Kemper ain't said shit yet
But maybe soon he will...
